Recently my Facebook reminded me of when I used to write notes on their service. On two separate occasions I wrote “Facts” about myself. The last time I did this it was in 2009. So much has happened to me since then so I thought I would do a little refresher to let everyone know who I am with 25 new “facts” about me.
1. I invented Crispix cereal.
2. I was originally going to play Bill Murray in Zombieland.
3. I bought a house simply by bringing a briefcase of money to the bank and saying, “Give me that one” while pointing abstractly out the window.
4. My left arm is my selfie stick.
5. I invented a new version of the “Power Hour” that is sweeping colleges and universities across the country. You hold onto an exposed wire for an entire hour.
6. In every sentence I use at least one word that would score double points in Scrabble, a stupendous feat.
7. I got hit in the head with a head of lettuce when I was 4 years old, and that’s why I don’t put lettuce on any sandwich or burger.
8. I am the largest prime number.
9. I am a professional locksmith, if the lock is to your heart.
10. My great-great-great-grandfather punched Abner Doubleday in face over blown call at home plate.
11. My shower curtain has ducks on it.
12. I invented the Quesalupa 9 years ago, but had trouble getting a patent for it. I only realized last month you don’t need a patent for food.
13. I can be found on every 13th floor of a building.
14. Marshawn Lynch consulted me on his retirement.
15. I have attended every Super Bowl…party I’ve been invited to…and a few I wasn’t invited to.
16. I have a resting BAC of .02
17. Tucker Diedrich is an anagram for Uh Dried Cricket
18. My left leg is actually 4 nutcrackers stacked on top of each other.
19. I ate a walrus once. It tasted like walrus.
20. I’ve driven over 50,000 miles in 2 years.
21. I won’t fall asleep unless the temperature in the room is 62 degrees Fahrenheit.
22. I’m only afraid of spiders that have 7 legs. I mean that is a crazy spider who is living by his own rules.
23. I drink a gallon of water a day, but not for the reasons you think.
24. There is a special code in this Monday Write that will direct you to a stash of gold I hidden somewhere.
25. I don’t know what a fact is.